Hello! How are you all? I am very well thank you! And that is a statement that for the last 5 years was never heard from me! I have decided to catch you all up on the last months of my life. This might get lengthy...so you can either check out now and browse the internet some more or grab a cup of coffee and read! If you decide to stay and read....thank you, as this was a struggle to decide to let out!
In a nutshell, or as I see it in my own mind, a timeline....Monday after Halloween I went to the doctor because I was not feeling well. They did a flu test and I came back positive for H1N1. No big deal, just had to be off work for a week. But it was that week that changed everything for me....specifically the following Monday. I can't really put it into words but, to use the old saying that "I was at the end of my rope"......with what you might ask? Everything, is all I can say. You know people tell you, if you are at the end of it, hold on. But, see that was the problem....I did not want to anymore. So, I let go.
Back up to April 2005.....I was diagnosed after having my daughter with post-partum depression. It never went away. The doctors put me on Lexapro for three months and then took me off.......not.a.good.thing. I was put back on it by my general physician and took it for all these years. Every year that I went back for my yearly check up I said the same thing to my doctor.....I feel ok, but I still cry all the time and am tired to the point of exhaustion. Every year I sunk lower on the "rope" and every year I told him the same thing. But you know, I can just about justify or come up with a reason for whatever feelings I was having during this time.....new mother, husband who worked nights, Madelyn being diagnosed with medical problems, starting a new job, putting Maddy in daycare for the first time......you know....LIFE! The summer of 2009 I had had enough and my doc decided to try an addition medication....it worked for 4 weeks....so upsetting! Also, I found out I had a REALLY bad (and still do to this day) vitamin D deficiency. If you read up on it, you will find out that it can mimic the signs of depression, so my doctor thought he found the "problem".
Fast forward to Monday in November 2009. I got up, took a shower and got ready for work. Put my nightgown back on, sat in the recliner and called my manager and quit my job. Did not give notice, did not talk to my husband, did not get advice from anyone in my family.....just did it. And......I saved my life. Call it burning bridges, a bad career move, selfish, rude, whatever......I have a name for it. I call it self-preservation.
I took a stand! I called my sister...we both had just read
Eat, Pray, Love. She gave me great advice, and love! I called a psychiatrist and got an appointment for January. I made an appointment with my general doc and asked for a referral to a surgeon for the
Lapband procedure. I was making changes in my life that I had wanted FOR SO LONG, but I had let my friends, family, husband and doctor influence my in another direction.
I am now seeing a FANTASTIC doctor who diagnosed me with
MDD with anxiety disorder. I am taking a new medication the has flat out changed my life!!!
On Friday April 30th I had my Lapband procedure and have already lost over 20 pounds, including some weight during the pre-op diet phase.
It is a "slow and steady wins the race" life with me right now. I take one day at a time, because, in truth, I can't think too far ahead or the anxiety kicks in!
So please come along with me if you like.....I am on a new journey in my life. I have not decided to open up my Etsy shops yet, as I am not feeling that "well" yet. One of the big "signs" that I had was my loss of interest in designing and making jewelry. It was not fun for me anymore. One day I hope to get back to a time when it can bring me joy again and not anxiety!
Well, thanks for reading....hope I did not bore you all, or worse, lose a couple of you as friends or fans! Stay with me....I promise I am trying to do better!
Much love!
(Photos courtesy of Lorelei Eurto)
